Sunday, March 29, 2009

Valentine's Day Came Early And Wow Was It Fun (SPOILERS)

If I were British, I'd call My Bloody Valentine a lot of bloody fun! Get it? 'cause the British say things like "bloody" and "cheerio" and I really have no idea what cereal has to do with anything, but I digress.

Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000) helms the remake of the 1981 classic, My Bloody Valentine. The original follows a killer stalking the residents of a mining community on Valentine's Day. Granted, that's not the full extent of the story, but we're focusing on the remake this time around. If you ARE interested in the original, it was recently re-released as a special edition DVD.

As for the remake, well, I'm sure you've seen the tsunami of TV spots advertising it and it's gimmick. The thing is, it's not a gimmick--not completely. See, being in the ass-end of nowhere, my local theater isn't equipped with a 3D setup. Thus, my viewing tonight was in good ol' 2D. Regardless, I still had a hell of a time.

3D has come a long way since the '80s. I'm sure movies like Jaws 3(D) and Friday the 13th Part 3(D) left a bad taste in your guys' mouth as they did mine. Now, although 3D scenes are still recognizable, they're no longer glaringly cheesy. Although I recommend seeing this in a 3D theater, that aspect is a perk, not a necessity; 2D is still a blast.

With the 3D out of the way, let me delve into the plot. In the beginning, one of our main characters causes a collapse in the local mine. The miners, trapped behind a wall of rubble, are awaiting rescue with a dwindling air supply. Soon, the debris is cleared but there's only one man left alive: Harry Warden. He murdered the others so they wouldn't use up his air. Regardless, Warden is in a coma. One year later, he awakens in the hospital and goes on a rampage, mutilating the staff and patients before making his way back to the mine, now abandoned. Being abandoned, the mind makes the perfect place for a party; local kids, including our accident prone protagonist and a few other supporting characters, are present. And then Harry shows up. What follows is a gruesome trip into the world of '80s slasher-dom (yeah, I'm pretty sure I just made that word up). Before the cops arrive and stop Warden, he has caused the death of 22 people (including the hospital massacre). Our main characters survive, of course. Jump ahead 10 years. Our main characters are still around, except for Mr. Accident-prone. He actually returns to sell the mine now that his father has done. Being the 10th year anniversary, it seems that the past won't stay buried, and neither will Harry Warden. Gore, gratuitous nudity, and awesome special effects ensue.

The acting is actually pretty well done. There are a few cringe-worthy line deliveries but, all-in-all, I can't complain (it IS a slasher film). The actors are all pretty much up-and-coming actors (Jensen Ackles, Kerr Smith, Jaime King, etc.) with one notable exception: Tom Atkins. Most of you won't recognize the name nor the man to whom the name belongs, but he's, how do I say this...he's kind of a big deal. Well, to classic horror fans, he is. A few of his notable performances include John Carpenter's The Fog, Halloween 3, and the virtually unknown cult classic Night of the Creeps. His appearance is just a little more icing on the cake for us fanboys.

The gore is a lot of fun. Every kill is done with a pick-axe and, honestly, I'm fine with that; it fits the killer's character. People are eviscerated and impaled. Some have their eyes stabbed out (I stress the word out) or their jaws ripped off. Pick-axe this, pick-axe that. To quote Harry Knowles over at Ain't It Cool News: "Another title could have been 101 WAYS TO DIE VIA PICK-AXE, and man... doesn't that sound like great 3D fun?" My answer to that is not only does it sound like a lot of fun, it IS a lot of fun. I'm pretty sure I had an impish little grin on my face the entire time I was plopped down in that seat.

And guys, if a pile of dead bodies aren't enough, there's a 5 minute full frontal nudity scene to drool over. FEMALE full frontal nudity. Oh yeah, a midget is involved as well! Wait, that sounds wrong...but it's oh-so right! Settle down. Before you go getting all bent outta shape, It's not in the way you're thinking.

Really, I have to recommend this movie. It's not going to win any Oscars, but if you're looking for a good slasher film, this can wrastle with the best of 'em. See it in 3D if you can, but 2D works as well. It's an hour and forty minutes of fun. What more do you want for your money?

Head over to Ain't It Cool News for other reviews as well. Here's a link to Harry's:
Ain't It Cool

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